GRIEF IN THE MIDDLE OF UNCERTAINTY
GRIEF IN THE MIDDLE OF UNCERTAINTY
By Nick Coniglio | MA, M.DIV, ALC
There’s a famed poster the British used during World War II to boost morale. With its red background and white letters, the flag declares, “Keep calm and carry on.” During this current COVID-19 pandemic it feels more appropriate to use one of the modern takes on the poster, “Keep calm and avoid zombies.” These days, I try to see the light in the situation, but I’m also deeply concerned.
I grieve to watch others talk from a 20-foot distance outside.
I grieve when I stand 6’ away from a cashier but embarrassingly wish I was a little further.
I grieve when I go for a run and the people I pass hesitate to look up.
I grieve to see my children wave from a distance to the other neighborhood kids, instead of running up to them like they used to.
I grieve with my friends who have lost income.
I grieve with those we know who have lost their jobs completely.
And in the middle of this pandemic, I grieve for the calamities that are yet to come.
If you’re like me, it can feel as if life is caught in suspense, waiting for the other shoe to drop, anticipating one of the many possible dreadful circumstances to occur. I wish I could be like Paul, “content” in all circumstances (Phil. 4:11–12). Instead, I often feel like one of the eleven disciples who worshipped Jesus after the resurrection but surprisingly still “doubted” (Matt. 28:17).
My mindset of dread has occurred as a result of my rational (upper) part of the brain trying to connect with my naturally instinctual (lower) part of the brain. This is a top-down way of approaching the situation. In other words, I have been trying to reason with myself why I should stay positive. These efforts are only slightly effective because we continue to experience a perceived sense of threat from what has already happened and the unknown events of what could happen.
However, if we are able, I propose it is time to exercise habits of proactivity by using a combined approach and practice two things: 1) regulate our brains, and 2) develop a new sense of self-identity for the days ahead.
Dr. Jennifer A. King, Assistant Director for the Center on Trauma and Adversity, describes this “prolonged stress response” is as if our brains are saying, “the alarm keeps ringing.” This means our brain is experiencing extra periods of dysregulation and is finding it uniquely difficult to access our rational (upper) part of the brain. Some pointers she suggests for these traumatic times involve a more instinctual (lower) way to self-care which will in turn, emotionally regulate our brains, allowing us to tap back into our rational (upper) thinking.
Regulating our brains is NOT a 45-minute hot yoga session. Instead, it is practicing deep breathing for 5 minutes, instinctual and natural because it is breathing.
Regulating our brains is NOT baking muffins for the whole neighborhood. Instead, it is making the family’s tomato sauce recipe, natural because it proves comforting and familiar.
Regulating our brains is NOT training for a marathon. Instead, it is going for a walk around the block. Let’s be honest, there is nothing natural about running that far, but even some light cardio increases serotonin, which assists in preventing depression.
Be creative and ask yourself, “What did I find comforting before this situation?” Do that when stressed but in smaller doses. Now that we understand natural self-care, we likely continue to feel as if we are anticipating more bad news, so let us practice reframing our circumstances.
Read Part 2: Reframing (or Renewing) Our Mind, here.
Sources for Parts 1 and 2:
COVID-19: Our Brains, Our Bodies, Our Trauma, Part 1: This is Your Brain on Stress
COVID-19: Our Brains, Our Bodies, Our Trauma. Part 2. Part 2: Get Regulated
The Neurosequential Network: https://vimeo.com/399257746/70cde06ca0